Monday, October 25, 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010

So I'm sitting here wondering why I need constant validation from others to feel ok with me. If I'm not getting constant compliments I feel bad about myself. And then I thought about people who don't and why. There's a reason. I don't think people are born confident. Some people were probably constantly praised and told how great they were and they could do anything when they were young children. And then some may have already gone through what I am going through now. Learning confidence, gaining self esteem. Some people may have been who I've been. Been who I am. And are who they are now and don't need that constant validation anymore. Its a process I imagine. And although I have been going through platues, valleys and such, the journey is just beginning. I need to remember that excitement and enthusiam I had for the roads yet to be travelled. I was always quiet. But I'm finding my voice and everyday it gets a little louder. And everyday it out talks that other voice that constantly says "your not pretty enough, your not smart enough, your not thin enough...". Eventually that voice will get tired of not being heard and the self worth will be as natural as breathing to me.

But right now... I still need to gain the strength and endurance to keep working at it. The trip just started. I bet by the time I'm 35 I will be better. And at 37, I'll be even better than that! And 40... I can only imagine the woman I'll be at 40!

I'm sure the best is yet to come!

Sunday, October 3, 2010


So I'm pretty sure I've told you about the doorman. Dudley is a jamaican. Dudley is a talker. Dudley never forgets details about people and constantly gossips. Well I think they all do but Dudley... Dudley is different. He doesn't gossip maliciously if you can understand that...

But don't get stuck talking to Dudley if you gotta pee or something. Cause Dudley is gonna keep talking and talking. Not let you get a word in...

Dudley is 100% Team Crab. He tells me over and over again. How Crab "shows much re-spect". Its been quite a while since Crab has been over. But he remembers Crab's car and tells me how that is such a "great car and it much better than Lexus" and he always notices those and looks to see if it is Crab. This convo was while Mini whined and begged to go. He was exhausted. But that didn't stop Dudley. He just went on and on about the car.

Well today my dad came by to take Mini off of my hands for a while. I wasn't feeling so well. Well he musta gotten caught talking to Dudley before coming up to the apartment.

When I went down to get Mini, dudley starts.

You saw your daddy today uh? He tell me you go jamaica and all night de rasta walk all round you house wit de cutlass.

**now the only cutlass I know is a car, but I'm all uh huh...**

So he's goin on

Dem carry de cutlass there. Them no carry guns. Da cutlass is like dem guns and your daddy tell me they walk all night with the cutlass and dem no care cuase they want the money.

Oh........ he's talking about the dude with the machete!

"Oh yeah yeah yeah...." I say.

So he goes on about the govt wanting to ban the cutlass, about the St. Mary parish and they are crazy and if them no get you with the cutlass them get you with the black magic voodoo. And they cut everyting. People, animal... everyting. He told me about election time in 1980 when people would walk the streets with the cutlass slashing people. He told me about the man who cut his wife's head off because he caught her cheating. Now Dudley has a THICK accent so I don't always understand what he's talking about. So I know the lady wrote a letter to someone about soomething, lover something or other, mother and father in law ran. This is the part of the story where Dudley laughed.... so I laughed. But I had not a clue what he had said. He told me about the man who cut the donkey up into peices because the Donkey was on his land. And he couyld have caught the donkey and pawned it but they are so mean they just cut up everything, donkey, pig, cows....

Then how... how... he began to talk about some chick named April who used to live here I don't know but he talked about her husband who died and worked at the hospital and then she was dealing with some dude who was a lightweight boxer and he thought that he sold drugs because he was always at the Seton Hall Campus. Back and forth to seton hall. And he and the girl broke up but he still came by because they had a kid together and when you have a kid with someone sometimes your friends and sometimes you're enemies. And dude had the new Lexus when it first came out and then he had the coupe. And dude said he was gonna get the chick back one day cause he was gonna fight Tyson (Mike. Not 50Tyson).

My dad FINALLY pulls up. Whew. Nah.... just gives Dudley more to talk about

That car is nice. That's his company car though.

**See my dad always has nice cars. Jags, benzes, bmws. And Dudley seems to love cars so he always says something about whatever car my dad is driving at the time**

So he talks to me as I walk to the elevator. Fords are good at first... then out of nowhere...

BOOM. New subject! Something about widows ans SSI check and not remarrying and something about someone who can never find a man who isn't married.

I let the elevator door close. Worked today. Doesn't always though. Cause Dudley will stick his hand in the door and make sure you hear what he has to say!

Birthday Cake And a Little Weed

I went to a birthday party for one of my best friend Echo's daughter yesterday. Her nephew was there and he was so funny.
We were outside talking

Nephew: I've only been home a month
Me: Yeah? How long were down for?
Nephew: 9 years
Me: Damn! 9 years
Nephew: yeah I thought those pigs were never gonna let me out. Yeah that's why I stay out of the streets now. You know... I ain't fuckin with the streets no more. I'm bout to go to this party with my spanish shorty, sell the rest of this weed I got, then go collect from what I got on the blocks...

Ha! Priceless... I must have given him that Scooby Doo WTF?! look cause he was like "I mean weed is just like a ticket.. I don't sell no metal shit like coke or nothing"
I was just like "yeah I feel you". Lol!

He was mad funny though. He kept trying to give me a foot massage.

I let him have my number just for entertainment purposes. He must have sent me like 8 pictures in 10 minutes! Pictures of him at the checkout at the 7-11... I don't know what else I didn't even open them!
Then I realize earlier that day I was on the phone with another friend. Her phone kept beeping with incoming calls but she was just ignoring them. Them finally she tells me to hold on. She comes back annoyed. "This nigga keeps calling back to back. When I didn't answer the first times obviously I was on an important call! Damn!" I ask "did he even have something to say?" "No!" she says "Echo's nephew! I gave him my number and now he calls like crazy!"

Ha! He's still funny as shit though
Joel Olsteen has disbanded #TeamHater (even though it was a team of one).

Saturday, October 2, 2010

And you know what else...

Vacations are fake too.  You spend all that money to pretend that you don't have to go back to the bullshit.  That's fucking depressing.  So now you are out all that money for what?!

I saw a commercial for Aruba last night and the people were all happy and having fun and you know what my first thought was?  He's a dumbass....


I am NOT happy. I am actually UNhappy. Id rather be indifferent than actually unhappy. I went to sleep in a bad mood. It doesn't usually carry through to the morning but this morning it did. I woke up in a bad mood. I was at least looking forward to watching the Saturday edition of the Today show but golf is on (exacerbating my unhappiness).

Then I get on blogger. 2 new posts from UN. I chose the to read "Not all Black Men". I read it. Now this is why I KNOW my current state of mind is pretty fucked up... I read the blog and its all positive and great. And I didn't get the usual feeling of hope that usually comes from his posts. I actually synically thought to myself "Well you and your wonderful male friends should join the I Exist Support Group with Santa and the Tooth Fairy". (No offense UN, its me not you...)

I'm going to close the blinds, pull the blanket over my head and try to fall back asleep and try to wake up in a better mood.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Bag Lady

Remember when renting designer bags was all popular. It was around the time of the first Sex In the City movie. You'd pay some ridiculous membership fee to rent bags you couldn't afford to actually own. Kind of like the payday loans of designer bags. And you prance around looking all fabulous and folks are like "Damn, keisha is doing her thing. She always has a hot new bag. I wanna work where she works. I didn't know McDonalds was hooking their employees up like that!" And folks are paying you compliments and you're all "thanks girl!" When you know you gotta put that bag in the prepaid return package tomorrow before you get charged extra...

Sometimes my life makes me feel like I'm walking around with a rented bag. Its all good when your out and the bag looks good and feels good and people are admiring your bag. But when you get home and have to empty its contents into your Issak Mizrahi for Target bag it kind of sucks...

In regards to "The Other Blog"

Hey Yous,

I haven't been updating because the only person who's email address I had to send an invite to was ICE.  So if you want me to send an invite to you just email me. and I'd be more than happy to invite you unless I feel like there is some reason I feel there is some shady strangeness going down.  I wish there was a way to just accept all the current followers cause then I'd just do that ya'know?  So much easier.  Oh well.  Hit me up with the email that you use for blogger so I can add you! 

If y'all don't then there really is no reason for me to write on it.  And that would be sad....for me at least.

To my previous followers...  I paid attention to you all.  Meaning if you followed me, I would go and check you out too and most likely follow as well as long as you were posting regularly.  So that means if you followed I "know" you so don't be shy about sending a request. 

Hating Ass Hater

I'm officially a hater!  I'm wearing it like a badge. 

Here's the thing though.  I'm a specialized hater.  Not a General Practitioning Hater.  I hate specifically.  People in loving functional relationships...  I hate on them.  And I'm embracing it.  And I'm not ashamed of it.  I don't give a fuck if people are all...  "I can't stand haters."   So what.  Cause at the moment I can't stand people who have what I want.  So I don't care!

WAIT!  Only random people on the street though.  Not friends and family members.  Just people in public who hold hands.  Or kiss.  Or talk and laugh and stuff...  Getting on my nerves.  And dudes in the waiting rooms at the gyno office.  Or couples in the grocery store together.  Or people out running errands all natural like and shit.  I hate on that.  Fuck them!  Okaaaaay..... so sometimes friends and family members.  But honestly I really don't know many people with that so I don't have many people in my life to actually hate on.

Anyways...  I have realized a couple of things.  I have been trying to, since the revelation that some people actually have loving relationships and that some men really do want to make you happy (or whatever...), come to grips with the fact that not everything is for everybody, and I just may not be "that girl" that a man would want to do all of these things with/for.  Acceptance of a person's situation I think is critical to said person's mental health.  So if I'm walking around all "Why not me..."  I will be miserable.  I need to learn to say "Not me.  Oh well.  C'est La vie!"

But with this acceptance I have to learn to let go of whatever it is that I was wishing for and I realized I've kind of gone through or am going through a grieving process. Albeit not necessarily in the pattern usually described but I've been going through a process of grieving True Love or whatever the fuck you'd call all that shit that isn't for me.

First I guess was denial.  "That shit is fake"  I used to tell Crab,  and he'd be all 'No it's not blah blah blah...." and I'd be all "yeah.... if you say so"  And honestly there is still a part of me that doesn't wholly believe a man would want to be nice or spend time with you other than as a vehicle to sex, head or food.  Really. But whatever...  I really don't like waisting time thinking about whether it could be true or not.  Sometimes Ice or UN would say stuff and I'd believe for a second or day or maybe a week.  But I'm still sceptical.

So then I used to get sad.  And cry and be all depressed for days.  That was awful.  It hurt.  Like physically hurt.  I think I mentioned that before.  I'd feel like the most worthless person ever.  Not deserving of this whole Love thing.

Now I'm not sad (well maybe a little) but it has been replaced with Anger.  And that's where the hating comes in. 

It's harmless. And necessary to my own mental well being.  I have to go through this hating process in orer to reach the acceptance of my position in this lifetime.  I mean maybe it's karma for a past life as a playboy.  Maybe I'm just naturally awkward socially and romantically and it's not something that can be changed.  Who knows.  But whatever it is I have to come to grips with it.  And if being a hater in order to eventually reach a healthy state of mind is what  needs to be done then...  Imma hate!

Eventually I will reach my goal of self acceptance and then I will hang with Mini all tough until he tries to leave me for a girl at which point I will struggle with being an overbearing mother.  But right now...  today... I'm a hater.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Surprise Surprise....

In life there are things that make us feel good.  Really good.  And some of these things are healthy.  Some of them are harmful.  Some of them may have no adverse or positive impact.  They just are what they are.  Nothing more and nothing less.  Be it music, alcohol, crack, sex, your child, a hobby...  And there are times in everyone's lives that they may be more apt to partake in whatever it is that makes them feel good.  Some people have an internal alarm that tells when something feels too good.  When they need to ease up a bit.  I believe that I for one have a fairly good alarm.  I've been able to experiment with a large variety of things that make me feel good and know when to stop.  I like to have a drink or two.  I believe I know when to stop (although some(one) may feel differently).  I don't drink to the point where I'm throwing up, or can't walk.  And when things seem to feel REALLY GOOD, I know there is something that just isn't right. 

There may be times in your life that you NEED to feel good though.  When shit is FUCKED up and you just need to feel better for a minute (crack), for and hour (sex), for a morning (church...).  Church....  Church is great.  It feels good, to know that God loves you.  It feels good to hear that beautifully dressed women with that fancy hat with the rhinestones, and feathers, and baby’s breath and stuff tell you that "Jesus loves you and so do I....".  It feels good stand and clap your hands and sing along joyfully with the choir about "What a friend we have in Jesus"

I always went to church as a kid. After Sunday school went to the corner store and got some now'or'laters before the sermon, drew pictures on the programs, ran around with the Pastor's kids.  All of that.  As I got older and had a child I figured, “It’s only right that he be raised with a church home.  So I went.  And it would feel good. And I sang in the choir and it felt good.  And I left feeling hopeful.  Like I could make it through the week. 

I don't go now. (which is a story for another day)

There are some people that were not raised in the church.  And they start going...  And they feel SO GOOD.  It's all so new! 

This acceptance FEELS GOOD!
This forgiveness FEELS GOOD!
This hopefulness FEELS GOOD!
And they are a part of something THAT FEELS GOOD!

And the church is growing and it FEELS GOOD!
And pay your tithes and that FEELS GOOD!
And you get a raise!  It's coming back! and it FEELS GOOD

And the church grows, and the members grow, and boy does this FEEL GOOD

And that Pastor sure is smart!  What he tells you every Sunday FEELS GOOD.

And Pastor SoAndSo said this, and Pastor SoAndSo said that.  His message sure did make the congregation FEEL GOOD

And every Sunday you get your envelope and you put your money in there an Pastor SoAndSo tells you

Bring you all the tithes into the storehouse, that there be meat in my house and prove to me now herewith, said the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

And you DO!  And it FEELS GOOD!  You put your money in that plate or that basket and it FEELS GOOD.

Now mind you I am not saying Church is bad. Nor am I saying that tithing is bad.  It's all good.  Good Good Good.  What I'm saying is, when you get people that need to feel good and they bring in more folks that need to feel good.  And you have a pastor that likes to make people feel good, that knows what to say to make people feel good.  And those people don't have that alarm to tell them when that good feels too good and they are giving MORE and MORE and MORE to get MORE blessings and to FEEL BETTER, you end up...

With situations like this...

Gotta go get Mini! BYE~

Out of the shadows!

Hey!  So this is my first post as me!  Megan.  Hopefully I have the usual suspects I'm sure you all know who you are and the rest of my followers from before.  I've decided to make the other blog private and still update it from time to time so if you still want the messyness and I haven't given you access just send a request.  I'll let you in!

So now that nothing is a secret..

So this is me.  Megan.