I'm not sayin... I'm just sayin...

Is it me or... uhhhh....

Somebody needs to say PAUSE

So I'm sitting here wondering why I need constant validation from others to feel ok with me. If I'm not getting constant compliments I feel bad about myself. And then I thought about people who don't and why. There's a reason. I don't think people are born confident. Some people were probably constantly praised and told how great they were and they could do anything when they were young children. And then some may have already gone through what I am going through now. Learning confidence, gaining self esteem. Some people may have been who I've been. Been who I am. And are who they are now and don't need that constant validation anymore. Its a process I imagine. And although I have been going through platues, valleys and such, the journey is just beginning. I need to remember that excitement and enthusiam I had for the roads yet to be travelled. I was always quiet. But I'm finding my voice and everyday it gets a little louder. And everyday it out talks that other voice that constantly says "your not pretty enough, your not smart enough, your not thin enough...". Eventually that voice will get tired of not being heard and the self worth will be as natural as breathing to me.

But right now... I still need to gain the strength and endurance to keep working at it. The trip just started. I bet by the time I'm 35 I will be better. And at 37, I'll be even better than that! And 40... I can only imagine the woman I'll be at 40!

I'm sure the best is yet to come!

Dudley...

So I'm pretty sure I've told you about the doorman. Dudley is a jamaican. Dudley is a talker. Dudley never forgets details about people and constantly gossips. Well I think they all do but Dudley... Dudley is different. He doesn't gossip maliciously if you can understand that...

But don't get stuck talking to Dudley if you gotta pee or something. Cause Dudley is gonna keep talking and talking. Not let you get a word in...

Dudley is 100% Team Crab. He tells me over and over again. How Crab "shows much re-spect". Its been quite a while since Crab has been over. But he remembers Crab's car and tells me how that is such a "great car and it much better than Lexus" and he always notices those and looks to see if it is Crab. This convo was while Mini whined and begged to go. He was exhausted. But that didn't stop Dudley. He just went on and on about the car.

Well today my dad came by to take Mini off of my hands for a while. I wasn't feeling so well. Well he musta gotten caught talking to Dudley before coming up to the apartment.

When I went down to get Mini, dudley starts.

You saw your daddy today uh? He tell me you go jamaica and all night de rasta walk all round you house wit de cutlass.

**now the only cutlass I know is a car, but I'm all uh huh...**

So he's goin on

Dem carry de cutlass there. Them no carry guns. Da cutlass is like dem guns and your daddy tell me they walk all night with the cutlass and dem no care cuase they want the money.

Oh........ he's talking about the dude with the machete!

"Oh yeah yeah yeah...." I say.

So he goes on about the govt wanting to ban the cutlass, about the St. Mary parish and they are crazy and if them no get you with the cutlass them get you with the black magic voodoo. And they cut everyting. People, animal... everyting. He told me about election time in 1980 when people would walk the streets with the cutlass slashing people. He told me about the man who cut his wife's head off because he caught her cheating. Now Dudley has a THICK accent so I don't always understand what he's talking about. So I know the lady wrote a letter to someone about soomething, lover something or other, mother and father in law ran. This is the part of the story where Dudley laughed.... so I laughed. But I had not a clue what he had said. He told me about the man who cut the donkey up into peices because the Donkey was on his land. And he couyld have caught the donkey and pawned it but they are so mean they just cut up everything, donkey, pig, cows....

Then how... how... he began to talk about some chick named April who used to live here I don't know but he talked about her husband who died and worked at the hospital and then she was dealing with some dude who was a lightweight boxer and he thought that he sold drugs because he was always at the Seton Hall Campus. Back and forth to seton hall. And he and the girl broke up but he still came by because they had a kid together and when you have a kid with someone sometimes your friends and sometimes you're enemies. And dude had the new Lexus when it first came out and then he had the coupe. And dude said he was gonna get the chick back one day cause he was gonna fight Tyson (Mike. Not 50Tyson).

My dad FINALLY pulls up. Whew. Nah.... just gives Dudley more to talk about

That car is nice. That's his company car though.

**See my dad always has nice cars. Jags, benzes, bmws. And Dudley seems to love cars so he always says something about whatever car my dad is driving at the time**

So he talks to me as I walk to the elevator. Fords are good at first... then out of nowhere...

BOOM. New subject! Something about widows ans SSI check and not remarrying and something about someone who can never find a man who isn't married.

I let the elevator door close. Worked today. Doesn't always though. Cause Dudley will stick his hand in the door and make sure you hear what he has to say!

Birthday Cake And a Little Weed

I went to a birthday party for one of my best friend Echo's daughter yesterday. Her nephew was there and he was so funny.
We were outside talking

Nephew: I've only been home a month
Me: Yeah? How long were down for?
Nephew: 9 years
Me: Damn! 9 years
Nephew: yeah I thought those pigs were never gonna let me out. Yeah that's why I stay out of the streets now. You know... I ain't fuckin with the streets no more. I'm bout to go to this party with my spanish shorty, sell the rest of this weed I got, then go collect from what I got on the blocks...

Ha! Priceless... I must have given him that Scooby Doo WTF?! look cause he was like "I mean weed is just like a ticket.. I don't sell no metal shit like coke or nothing"
I was just like "yeah I feel you". Lol!

He was mad funny though. He kept trying to give me a foot massage.

I let him have my number just for entertainment purposes. He must have sent me like 8 pictures in 10 minutes! Pictures of him at the checkout at the 7-11... I don't know what else I didn't even open them!
Then I realize earlier that day I was on the phone with another friend. Her phone kept beeping with incoming calls but she was just ignoring them. Them finally she tells me to hold on. She comes back annoyed. "This nigga keeps calling back to back. When I didn't answer the first times obviously I was on an important call! Damn!" I ask "did he even have something to say?" "No!" she says "Echo's nephew! I gave him my number and now he calls like crazy!"

Ha! He's still funny as shit though

Joel Olsteen has disbanded #TeamHater (even though it was a team of one).

And you know what else...

Vacations are fake too.  You spend all that money to pretend that you don't have to go back to the bullshit.  That's fucking depressing.  So now you are out all that money for what?!

I saw a commercial for Aruba last night and the people were all happy and having fun and you know what my first thought was?  He's a dumbass....

#TeamHater

I am NOT happy. I am actually UNhappy. Id rather be indifferent than actually unhappy. I went to sleep in a bad mood. It doesn't usually carry through to the morning but this morning it did. I woke up in a bad mood. I was at least looking forward to watching the Saturday edition of the Today show but golf is on (exacerbating my unhappiness).

Then I get on blogger. 2 new posts from UN. I chose the to read "Not all Black Men". I read it. Now this is why I KNOW my current state of mind is pretty fucked up... I read the blog and its all positive and great. And I didn't get the usual feeling of hope that usually comes from his posts. I actually synically thought to myself "Well you and your wonderful male friends should join the I Exist Support Group with Santa and the Tooth Fairy". (No offense UN, its me not you...)

I'm going to close the blinds, pull the blanket over my head and try to fall back asleep and try to wake up in a better mood.