Friday, October 1, 2010

Hating Ass Hater

I'm officially a hater!  I'm wearing it like a badge. 

Here's the thing though.  I'm a specialized hater.  Not a General Practitioning Hater.  I hate specifically.  People in loving functional relationships...  I hate on them.  And I'm embracing it.  And I'm not ashamed of it.  I don't give a fuck if people are all...  "I can't stand haters."   So what.  Cause at the moment I can't stand people who have what I want.  So I don't care!

WAIT!  Only random people on the street though.  Not friends and family members.  Just people in public who hold hands.  Or kiss.  Or talk and laugh and stuff...  Getting on my nerves.  And dudes in the waiting rooms at the gyno office.  Or couples in the grocery store together.  Or people out running errands all natural like and shit.  I hate on that.  Fuck them!  Okaaaaay..... so sometimes friends and family members.  But honestly I really don't know many people with that so I don't have many people in my life to actually hate on.

Anyways...  I have realized a couple of things.  I have been trying to, since the revelation that some people actually have loving relationships and that some men really do want to make you happy (or whatever...), come to grips with the fact that not everything is for everybody, and I just may not be "that girl" that a man would want to do all of these things with/for.  Acceptance of a person's situation I think is critical to said person's mental health.  So if I'm walking around all "Why not me..."  I will be miserable.  I need to learn to say "Not me.  Oh well.  C'est La vie!"

But with this acceptance I have to learn to let go of whatever it is that I was wishing for and I realized I've kind of gone through or am going through a grieving process. Albeit not necessarily in the pattern usually described but I've been going through a process of grieving True Love or whatever the fuck you'd call all that shit that isn't for me.

First I guess was denial.  "That shit is fake"  I used to tell Crab,  and he'd be all 'No it's not blah blah blah...." and I'd be all "yeah.... if you say so"  And honestly there is still a part of me that doesn't wholly believe a man would want to be nice or spend time with you other than as a vehicle to sex, head or food.  Really. But whatever...  I really don't like waisting time thinking about whether it could be true or not.  Sometimes Ice or UN would say stuff and I'd believe for a second or day or maybe a week.  But I'm still sceptical.

So then I used to get sad.  And cry and be all depressed for days.  That was awful.  It hurt.  Like physically hurt.  I think I mentioned that before.  I'd feel like the most worthless person ever.  Not deserving of this whole Love thing.

Now I'm not sad (well maybe a little) but it has been replaced with Anger.  And that's where the hating comes in. 

It's harmless. And necessary to my own mental well being.  I have to go through this hating process in orer to reach the acceptance of my position in this lifetime.  I mean maybe it's karma for a past life as a playboy.  Maybe I'm just naturally awkward socially and romantically and it's not something that can be changed.  Who knows.  But whatever it is I have to come to grips with it.  And if being a hater in order to eventually reach a healthy state of mind is what  needs to be done then...  Imma hate!

Eventually I will reach my goal of self acceptance and then I will hang with Mini all tough until he tries to leave me for a girl at which point I will struggle with being an overbearing mother.  But right now...  today... I'm a hater.


  1. I have the same reaction when I see couples kissing, but it comes from a slightly different place. It's a combo of not liking PDA and a bit of hating because I've never been happily in that situation myself. Eh, what can you do?

  2. stop being a hating ass hater. lol

    and stop being skeptical. there are men out there who love women to love them. men who know how you treat you, love you, be supportive. we do exist. there is nothing wrong with you. if you haven't encounter any of these's something wrong with the guys. one day you'll be that chick getting slobbed on. holding hands. running errands. and there will be a chick standing across the street shooting hate missiles at you with her eyes.

    but just like with santa claus or the easter bunny..things you are skeptical about you have to believe to receive. the second you go around saying you don't believe in santa claus he stops you.